A World, Killed. A World, Decayed.

I've exhausted myself, Beautiful Reader.

The world is full of unsurety, of an unabashedly twisted path none can truly navigate. You can never see around the bend, only where you are, with the memory of where you've been. Sometimes, on this path, I turn around and gaze back, longing for the beautiful places where I could rest, but now...lately... I just walk along this path alone, kicking stones along the grey, ash ridden ruins I created.

I see the specters of people, glowing a moment and swirling in ash before they fall to the ground. When they exist, they walk beside me, trying to hold my hand, but before they touch me, they crumble.

Remnants of my rage cling to me like lost children, and I can feel her within me, that woman of violence, myself shrouded in shadowed anger. I kick another rock forward, watching as it skips across the field of barren ash, leaving little puffs of dust as it settles. I continue to walk forward, looking at the charred remains of the trees as they droop, charcoal black on my hands when I touch them. They crumble. They die...they are already dead.

I walk to the mountain, a blackened, skeletal tower of rock. I grab the stones, hauling myself up as my face becomes increasingly charred. It doesn't take any effort, but I can feel its pain as I get closer to the top.

I've reached the summit, and I sit on that flat panel piece of rock, staring at the edge of my atmosphere, scarred with reddened clouds that swirl in an angry calm above me. A dead wind stirs my hair. My eyes scan my world in a bittersweet satisfaction...but suddenly, a morose sadness washes over me. this world is dead. My inside escape has become my inner regret, my death within. I did this. I chose this. I know I don't need this.. right? This obsessed war on perfection killed the peace I had. Did I want it ever before, and do i want it now? Do i regret this mistake, or is this regret itself?

I don't want it back. I can see the tear drifting down my face, smearing through the ash and soot as I gaze with dead, grey eyes. I hate this world. I hate it. I pick up a rock lying convenient to my position, and I throw it as far as I can, watching it tumble down to the skeletal, charred forest that was my heaven. Damn it to hell, to itself, unto me. I get up, noticing only now that I wear no clothes, that the soot has stained my body, making me like the world around, and look up again at the deadly red sky. I think it's time for me to leave.

I sigh, my breath ash and smoke, and I lick my chapped lips. They taste dead. I open my grey eyes again, and I step off the edge of the mountain, letting the ash-laced world suck me in as I tumble through the air, landing gently on my back in the soft ash. I stare up at the grey and red world, willing the ash to just cover me, suffocate me, and as I look around, I see the ash and dying light specters staring at me, making a semicircle. I can feel their sorrow, and I know they hate me, what I've done. I can't feel guilty. Not now. Not anymore. I lie there, and I let my eyes drift shut, coming back to reality.

That world doesn't need me. I don't need me. I don't need anyone. Underneath all their life, lies prevail. A dead world is inside all of us. We can't hide behind the green and the floating drops of water, not anymore. Ash and soot... that's what we make ourselves. That's all. And we don't want to improve. We don't want to make the effort anymore. We're lazy, and we love it. We drink in it, in the sloth and nothing. In the drowning of our consciences, we find a sick, twisted joy. We don't need to feel anything else, do we? Just disgust of ourselves that we lock away so we don't have to feel it.

We're all sick, Beautiful Reader. Aren't we?

Forward With Fire

MUSIC PLAYED - Counting Bodies Like Sheep

Beautiful Reader, I apologize. I'm about to disappoint you.

For once, peace isn't desired.

For once, I want conflict.

Eyes shut.

There's a long hallway, dripping with a dark red liquid, grated floors and the sound of metal crashing against itself in a war drum beat. Someone stands at the end of the hallway, black hooded and red eyed as she stands there, staring at me as her lips turn up in a sinister grin. She steps forward, and my fists tense as I feel the heat radiating off her aura. There is fire where she steps, lighting the blood trickling down as I hear my breaths come in short, shattering bursts. My heart beats to the chaotic rhythm of the war drums, and I step forward to meet her, staring directly into her nearly featureless face, her smile of pointed teeth, and her eyes, as the glowing red within begins to melt into her skin, falling like tears and taking the skin with it.

She leans forward, whispering in my ear, telling me to love her again, and love her I do, taking her hand and joining her with me, taking her essence as she fades with a fiery laugh, and I feel rejuvenated, a righteous fury burning through my veins. I look up at the far wall, and I run towards it, my fist slamming into it, blasting it into oblivion as I see my world, my peaceful, mountainous world with its aurora and mist, and I just stare, willing it to burn, to just go away and let me have my vengeance.

I feel myself smile as the spark starts from the aurora, the blues, greens, and purples flashing into a red and orange, spreading to the mist and consuming it as it rushes down the mountain, caring not for life or time, neither beauty nor filth...all burns, all is destroyed. The aurora blasts out in all directions, consuming, crushing, disposing of all in its path. I step forward onto the melting ground, not caring that my own flesh burns and yields to the encroaching and unforgiving heat.

I reach the lake, a smirk playing at the corner of my lips as i materialize at the bottom of the desolate pit and break through, my world fading in ash as I stand there, letting it swirl around me in smoke and the scent of death in a rampant vortex. I breathe in the smoke deeply, letting myself choke on it. This is what lay beneath the peace. More of the same.

I don't need to hurt anymore. I don't need to calmly accept that which harms me, relying on defensive walls and a retreat into myself to be unaffected. It's about time I try going on the offense, breaking through resistance and forcing myself forward. I will no longer allow myself to be held back.

Eyes open.

I don't know why I feel like this...but I think it's about time that I do.

Breathing Stone? Perhaps...

Stones can break bones, though....remember that, Beautiful Reader.

Second Choice, Second Best

When did you have that moment, Beautiful Reader, when you just realized how bad the people in this world have become?

When did you have that moment where you didn't want to lose that naivety you'd had, when you didn't want to stop believing in the possibility of a first and last being the same thing? A one and only passion, whether it's a person, a hobby, or a career, just coming into your life and sticking? Of you being the first choice, not the one they settle for? Of you finding a career or a hobby that takes such a passionate hold on you that you would be happy for the rest of your life just doing it?

I had a moment like that today. I sat there, thought long and hard, and it hit me how bad the world was...it also hit me that I can't let that make me angry or sad. It needs to make me determined. It needs to be my inspiration to be the best me I can be. Maybe this world I have in my mind of pressing flowers and defying reality is useful for a time, but if I spend too much time in introspection, how can I ever ground myself in reality and go somewhere?

I don't want to be famous, high-up, or anything of the sort. Maybe all I want is to run away from the world, find a peaceful place with someone who wants me as a first choice, and forget the rest of the world exists. Just find a place where there's a break from this trial. A place where we, as humans, can drop the thrill of drama and drink in peace...

And my eyes drift shut.

I'm standing on the edge of a branch, over a forest of evergreens, but right at the base of my branch is this clear rippling vision...like water, but not. As I stare at it and follow its glimmering to the horizon, and as I do, it changes, thickening as the vision of the forest beneath it fades to a shimmering white. Suddenly the water is the ocean, and I can feel the pulsing, gentle warmth of the sunset as the colours wash over me. I sit in the sand and hum to myself with the music, tracing in the silken sand a curving line, and with it comes out my emotion, and I look back up at the sunlit horizon, smiling as the piano plays in my mind. I feel the ocean move as I breathe, swelling and gently cascading over itself as the water rises into a waterfall, the world around me melting into a deep green forest as I find myself seated on a cool rock, my fingers tracing the stream at my feet. There are little fish in the water, and as I see them, I find myself diving into the water without moving, the cool, deep water quenching my thirst and cooling my parched skin as I find myself in a lake, breathing the water like air and twisting around to look around.

The pain in my ribs is gone, the pain from my back is gone, and all the deformities and scars on my skin are gone as the water flows, purifying me. I'm naked, clean, and the voices singing, "While I wait, I remember the sound of your voice" in harmony seem to just flow through my heart as I move through the flowing water. I don't want to leave. I don't need the flint man, or myself, or restrictive clothes, or anything. I don't need to strive to be a good person, or push myself every second of the day to learn more, or to not be lazy, or anything. It doesn't matter anymore, because this is my soul and it's still okay, alive, and peaceful. No one else needs me. I don't need anybody else.

I don't think I ever did. All I ever needed was peace. The others outside my eyelids can take their desires and smile with them. They will never see me, not really. All this strife will go away one day, and when that day comes they'll be happy with what they see in me. Maybe. Who knows, Beautiful reader?

I'm awake, but I need to sleep it all off....

Good night, Beautiful Reader. Be happy.

Suffocation in My Soul

When there's no escape in your reality, you go silent, and it is in that silence that you find your weapons to fight your way back to that place where you were safe.

Eyes shut. Music on. Show me my defense.

I'm in a cave. I see dim blue light reflecting off the smooth stone surfaces, and I walk towards it. The ground feels gentle beneath my feet, like the stone is pliable, accepting of my weight. I can hear the murmuring of voices behind me, and they're getting louder, bubbling into each other and overlapping. I can't understand them but they sound angry, and I don't want to know what they're saying, so I walk faster, towards the blue flickering light.

I find the source. It's a lantern with blue glass. I pick it up, and I can feel the glaring warmth against my torso as I hold it up to find my way. The voices are getting ever nearer, and I'll be honest, I'm getting nervous. I need to get out of this cave, with its reflective gentle walls and neverending pathway.

Things around me begin to descend slowly into chaos. I can feel it, and as I stare at the walls, they begin to flow like water, shining like mercury as they melt downwards, filling the floors with a
 luminescent shine. I can't let it touch me, so I start running, my bare feet slapping against the smooth rock. I can't see anything beyond what is reflected by my lantern, so I don't know where I'm going. Someone get me out!!

But no... I'm alone, right? This is how I'm supposed to be, right? This is what I want, right? Right?

I keep running, and I can feel the floor around me moistening with the reflective glint of the walls as it turns to a torrent behind me. I splash forward, and I know if it catches me I'll drown, drown in the voices and the shouting and the emotions and the turmoil. I don't want to be alone with that. I don't want to drown like that, suffocated in my own wretched filthy mind. I run faster, and I find myself suddenly face to face with the wall, and as I turn I can feel the rumbling as it bears down on me. I shut my eyes, knowing I can't stop it, and I accept it. Suddenly everything slows, and I hear a calm pause in the music. My eyes open, and I'm face to face with myself, only I'm dripping, made of the same mercury-like material as the walls. I don't say anything, and I don't do anything, just stare. I tilt my head, my reflection tilts hers. I blink, and so does she. That's when I pause, staring at myself in dread before slowly looking down at my hands, dripping in the mercury as I start to shake, horrified at myself. I back up, and as soon as my back touches the wall, hands of the same material grasp at my arms, turning me in. What can I do but scream? I feel my breath stolen from me, and my lungs begin to pound in pain....

I'm awake.

Beautiful Reader, what is a mistake? I think I just found mine.

Get Back, Memories. Come to me, Flint.

My emotions are too high today, Beautiful Reader. I have to get away...

I run to my little corner of the classroom where i sleep on my little mattress and hide under my blanket. It's all getting to be too much. I need to get away. I need to escape. . . so I turn on my music, shut my eyes, slow my breathing. Type... type again.

I'm standing in a grey mist again. The world is familiar. I've been here before. The ground is made of a cool grey stone, shining and plain, riddled with small puddles. I look around in the mist and as the music plays, shadows rise and the puddles rise up to form around them. They take faces, the faces of those people who have haunted my mind. I walk up to each of them, put a trembling hand on their faces.

I look up at a familiar face...but something about him seems ... sad... sorrowful... he's gone. I know he is. Somehow, I know who he is and that knot in my throat comes back. I know he's already dead in the real world. Shot and killed overseas. I know who he is... I touch his face, and he smiles a little, but the water cascades as he does, and i look down as the water recedes into the stone and just try not to cry.

I walk to the next man.  I touch his face, looking into his eyes, bright, intensely coloured. When I touch him, I can feel his heart beating , and i can see him look down at me. For a moment, the water forming him wraps around me, but then it turns dark and murky, and I pull my hand away.

I look to the other man, who seems to smile kindly at me, but behind the first layer of water smiling I can see the shadow sneering, laughing and pointing at me, whispering to the shadowy figure next to him, who laughs at me. I look away, eyes clenched shut, but force myself to look at the next one.

He stands there, idly watching me, his hands folded over each other in a military fashion as he simply watches me, the hint of a smirk there as he shifts, crossing his arms and nodding at me, as if encouraging me to continue to look.

The next man stands there, and breaks into a wide smile as I look back. He seems so happy, and I smile back, the world getting a little brighter, but when I smile I can feel the daggers from the eyes of the second face, and I look back at the murky man, who looks like he wants to step forward, but turns away, reaching out slightly to hold the hands of the shadows who walk around him. I feel guilty, but when I look back at the man who smiles, his eyes burn with a genuine happiness and a hint of longing, as if he wants to give me happiness. Can i deny happiness for the sake of the Murky Man? I look back at him, and I want to reach for him, but when I do, he turns, further enfolding himself in the arms of the shadows who caress his watery skin, giving him what he wants...

I can't do it. I can't handle the conflicting emotions. All of them are different shades of darkness, reaching out and surrounding me. I can't do it. I cover my ears, shut my eyes, and sink to my knees. The one who laughed at me steps up to me and kneels next to me, tilting his head inquisitively, and I see the shadow's inky black eyes boring into me, searching for the sign of a weakness as his hand draws back to hit me. I just stare at him. Before he can hit me, the man who smiled pushes him away violently, and hissing, the laughing man slinks back to his shadows, laughing again at me as his glinting dark eyes watch me. The laughing man kneels beside me, a hand on my shoulder and a hand on my chin, lifting it to look at him, but then the Murky man comes up, breaking away for a moment from the caressing shadows who stare on, just waiting for him to come back, and the murky man puts a hand on my shoulder from behind me, looking at the laughing man with a look I can't understand. The laughing man stares back at the murky man, then looks down at me as the poisoned and muddy water of the murky man pulses, running over my flesh, surrounding my figure kneeled on the ground. I can't read his expression, but he takes his hands off me, one simply running down to my hand, standing there as I stand up. The man who looks like a guardian just stands there...he does nothing, like he's waiting for me to walk away from everything and know what he knows. I don't want to turn around. I can feel the poison of the murky water seeping into me, and it hurts, but I stand tall, and I don't want to hurt the Murky Man. I almost feel like he doesn't mean to hurt me...but he does, doesn't he? He knows what he is, right? Does he?

When I look back up into the laughing man's eyes, I see pain. He immediately looks away, but he keeps his hand over mine a moment before looking back, bright blue pulsing behind his eyes as he stares at me, quiet. I want to run away, and all of a sudden the world around me starts to spin.

The men of water swirl around me, their faces blurring into each other. Laughing. Smiling. Bitter. Guarding. They all begin to form just one thing... anger. I'm angry... I can't get away from it, and it's all around me. The emotions build too highly and spill over, and I just can't do it. I scream, "STOP!!" and all of a sudden the world stops, the men all flying back and exploding in a mist of water that combines and falls like rain. I curl up on the ground, crying. I don't want to be lonely...but I want to be alone...

I feel comforting hands run over my back and to my shoulders. I look at my shoulder and see the glinting stone of the world around me in the shape of the hand. Is it...? I look over and I see the face...it is.... It's the flint man. As he helps me up slowly to my feet, wiping away my tears with his cool, stony hands, he smiles, his features still vague, and he leans forward, kissing my forehead gently. I feel a rush of calm, of peace, and I look up at him, opening my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head, stepping back, and runs a hand over my arm. I feel like he showed me the water feelings for a reason, but I don't know what. He nods to me, as if letting me know that there was a purpose to my pain, and lets go of my arm, turning to walk back into the mist, his feet never quite leaving the flint ground. I call out after him, but he keeps walking until he is almost out of sight. Just before he disappears, he turns to me for a second. He has no expression still, but I feel okay..then he's gone, and my eyes open.

I don't have an analysis, Beautiful Reader. I think I know what the water feelings represented, but I feel no closer to a solution than I did. I still just feel lost. . . What did you want, Man of Flint? Why did I have to hurt?

I'm lost.

The Radioactive Orchestration of the Soul

Beautiful Reader,

This war on perfection is wearying me...

Eyes drift shut, music seeps in, and I find relief.

Where am I now?
I smile....
I'm playing with radiation.
It glows so beautifully....I'm dancing with the atoms on such an infinitesimal level, but I have no body...I am the moment. The light is around me, pulsing and waving in indescribable patterns and shapes... like smoke and steam and soul. How beautiful this world is...is this God? Is this perfection? Is this what I'm fighting or what I'm fighting for? It's so incredible..a burnt orange, pinks mixing now ... green and yellow.. blue, purple...so many colours, so many sounds, and its intelligence in chaos is astounding...It's on my body because i have one now...when did that happen? Was it always so? It is caressing my skin, waving patterns across my arms.

I feel it on my face, in my eyes, in everything that I am. I laugh and it's light. I breathe and it's light. I open my eyes and light spills forward in a million colours and designs, flowing out into the world. If everyone could see this, how incredible would it be? We are so insignificant... we are made of this. We are this...we are beautiful...perfect...when i move it moves with me...
I breathe in every pleasant scent i ever smelled - every flower, every candle, every clear pond, every good memory is a part of me. I am fire. I am water. I am air. I am me. It pulses from the atoms in musical pattern.... utter joy floods me. Can this be me forever? Can I bring the ones I love in the secret of my heart together? I feel that if they could just be here and see what I see, feel what I feel, the differences would just fade away. We would be amazing, just here, just dancing in the light and the colours and the smells and the feeling of gentle water. Fascination ... pure joy...I love this.





I want to be a child again, look on the world with wonder and curiosity. I want to smile up at the light and never tire of it.


Ah....Beautiful Reader. Close your eyes!!! Try it!!!! Just let your mind go. See everything you can before you can't anymore. Time is not forever in this state. Don't waste it.

To War!

Hello Beautiful Reader.

Why are we so gentle within? Why are we victims of our own weaknesses? Why are you a beautiful reader... maybe you're not because of your inner innocence. Maybe what you are is a survivor, a fighter, and maybe those wounds, scars, and memories of your tribulations are what make you beautiful. Perfection is only beautiful for so long. Eventually it is our flaws that make us truly the reader.

Nothing happened today of note...or did it?

My mind is sometimes a muddle. That's what I see now. I see nothing but a disgusting puddle of muddy, murky water in a field of flint and obsidian. What is around is intoxicating in its simple, yet vast array of beauty, but here I am, a muddy myriad of filth. Different, sure, but not pure. Not innocent. Not simple. Not really much.

I'm not different enough to be considered corrupt or ugly, or even marred. No, what I am is different. I'm blatantly there, a nuisance, and then come the few, the ghosts of blurred light outlines. They walk through the flint field with the obsidian flora in a group, walking to my puddle. Some look and keep walking, but a couple stay a moment, turning from the crowd of people in my life to stare at the muddied water. They must wonder what its purpose is, if it's part of the show or just a mistake, but they keep walking eventually. A part of me wants to scream, "It's me! Don't leave me here!" and the other part is too ashamed to say anything. After all, it's been me that's dragged me out of my own pits before, and it's me that will do it again. I don't need the help, and I'm too proud to accept it. They can all just go their own way... and so they do, and i hang my head in loneliness...


What am I to you? Am I a sideshow? A brief moment in your day, forgotten again? Will I keep on, and if I do, where will I go?

My eyes are shut again. I'm in the desert. . . white sands, I think. The sun beats down on the snow like surface, the dunes glinting like a million little diamonds. The wind buffets my face, carressing my body with heat and glittery sand. I dig my toes into the innocent sand, smiling.  There is no shade, but I don't need it. All I am is the world around me, and I see myself dissipate into sand, blown away by the wind. I soar over the desert, free in my sudden separation from the world. Peace...what a thing to have...but no, the adventure doesn't end here!

I fly, each grain of myself dancing on the wind to its every whim and thought. I'm dancing! I laugh, twirling, spinning chaotically into the obliviously intense blue sky, and I don't care about anything again. I'm not numb, but I'm just okay with everything. It's warm, i'm free, and i don't have a body. Nothing to live up to, nothing to get skinny, nothing to get strong, no heart to beat, no air to breathe, no tendons to stretch or muscles to warm up, nothing. I don't need it, and there's no pain or pleasure, just the whistling wind through my disembodied being. I dance across the sunbeams, making the sounds of laughter and song both, thought alone guiding my voices into a  melodious wonder, and suddenly, I want nothing more than to sleep at the crescendo. Suddenly, the world is alit with colour for the briefest second as the sun sets, and the cool night is calmly held by the pale moonlight.

I'm in a sea of reflecting glow, and i'm in a body again, but i'm perfect, lying in the sand in a white dress. I can feel my perfection... the smoothness of my skin, the silky softness of my hair, the lithe muscles and the sloping curves of my body. I know i'm creamily tanned, exotic, and i stretch out a long leg through the sand... ah, maybe if i believe hard enough i'll become her. I smile, confidence swelling inside of me. In this form, I can be whatever I want. None will reject me, but I won't mind if they do. I don't have or want power, but i won't be hurt....but...i don't want it. I hum to myself, smiling slightly at the moonlight as i feel her cool light on my skin. My eyes are brown, then blue, staring at the stars as they smile at me. But still, I need to go back. This is fruitless, this dreaming about false beauty. No. I need to come back to reality and sleep. Angrily i strike the air, which ripples like water and goes back to reflecting my face, sweating and gasping from the effort of the wish. I'm sorry, self...not tonight. I cannot dwell. I will not dwell.

This perfection is not what I need. I need my scars. I need my pride from surviving pain. It is my way of laughing at the world. Look what I can do, world!!! I can handle you!!! Throw more my way... I'll fight you every step of the way. To war, perfection! Meet me on the battlefield of reality.

Good night, beautiful reader. Good night, survivor.

Hello Self. Self, Hello.

Hello, my Beautiful Reader.

It's been a little while... again.

My mind has been a myriad of struggle. Struggle to understand. Struggle to navigate. Struggle to focus. Everything has been a muddle, a blur of colour and mud....I can scarcely find my way anymore, but I think I made a breakthrough today. Let me tell you!

I was closing my eyes. The song on the radio made its way into my soul, liquid and opalescent both. Then, it just burst. It was violent, almost painful. I felt my mind wracked with a building intensity, and suddenly it was gone. I opened the eyes of my soul, of my mind, and I saw a forest. Every colour was clear, defined, and staring at me. I stood there, staring at myself, or maybe just the reflection of myself caused by the glaring colours. It was like i saw myself in the flesh, but i was made of misted, light shining colour. I smiled at myself, and looked around at the forest, my eyes full of wonder. All I could do is stare at my light-made self, my jaw open as she...I...stared at the forest with a knowing look. I took the moment to look around with myself, and as i did, i noticed something. the water from all the leaves began to rise, slowly as the violin sounded in my head to the tune of "The River Flows in You." It was like the water wanted to dance, and so it did, lifting slowly and reflecting the sunlight in a thousand little rainbows, glittering sundrops in the air, and it surrounded me and myself. It moved slowly, spiraling around each other slowly, and i laughed. I really laughed. It was beautiful!!! Then, the water started going through the light part of me, and it took the colours with it, and all of a sudden the lights were greens, browns, pinks, purples, just reflecting like the sun on a lake's surface, reflecting off the bottom of a bridge. I looked at myself, and I reached out, as did myself. Our hands met, but didn't meet. We kind of melded into each other. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it's like... I dunno. It's like I found myself, and I felt happy, but scared. If this is who I was protecting, would I be protected still?

When that thought rand through my mind, it was like all the water droplets started talking... yes... talking.... but with the voices of my memories.

Ricky was telling me never to trust a person who could ruin you..
My mother was telling me to only trust God.
My sister was crying, telling me that trusting is what hurt her.
Jemima was telling me that I had to trust someone eventually or I'd lose what makes me human.
Fido was telling me to just trust him. He sounded so angry, exasperated.
Then it was my voice, shouting, "I trusted you!"
Then it was just the feeling of shutting down, and all the water fell but one droplet, and it just sat there at eye level, pulsing gently, and a distant voice spoke.
"Not trusting is what makes you vulnerable. To live shut away is not living at all. The choice is yours."

I reached out, my hand under the water droplet, and i brought it closer to me be just moving my hand back, and I looked at it a moment before closing my hand around it. It felt cool, pleasant, and I could feel it coursing through my veins like a delicate brook through a desert. The feeling was.... well, I can't really truly describe it, but remember the feeling of running your dry, hot fingers through a warm yet cool river, and the refreshing feeling it gave you... something like that, but through every blood vessel and vein you have.  When I opened my eyes, the forest was gone, and I was sitting down in my room, my body tingling like it hasn't in a long time.

Maybe it's time I start opening up again. I don't know... I don't know if I'm ready to take that kind of risk. I am all I have. If I lose myself to someone, what will I do then? Can I take that kind of pain? Will I have to? I don't know. I don't want to be someone who is full of drama, who causes it, and I don't want to make it seem like what is going on inside of me is some movie-worthy self realization of dramatically epic proportions... What is going on inside of me is going on inside of so many other people. Maybe I just visualize it better. Who knows?

Ah... I have to runaway now, for alas, real life calls. I'll have to think about this more later.
Good Day, Beautiful Reader.  Remember that you are not alone.

Retreat! Retreat!

Songs listened to -
Elements - Lindsey Stirling + thinkers list
Beautiful Reader!!

It's me again, your Breathing Stone. It's been a while since I let myself out of myself. Last time, I think I went too deep and scared myself.

Still, no one can stay alone for too long....it does things to your head. I found myself spilling over, cracking myself through my own little fissures. I felt like i was bursting, light etching in intricate designs against my grey, cold skin...eventually I let just a peep of myself out, just a little bit. Bad idea! A thousand times a bad idea.

I don't need this often, but I have come to realize that I do need it...So here we go again, beautiful reader, here we delve again into my soul.

I shut my eyes. It's a good thing I don't have to stare at the keyboard as I type...

The violin cascades. The sounds in the background swell and flow in pulses. I feel it enter my mind, and again, I let it in. There I am! I'm on top of a mountain. I'm wearing white again, but this dress is so long that the only reason it doesn't drag on the floor is because of the wind. I feel like i'm flying, but I can feel my bare feet on the precipice of the rock. How did I get here? Did I climb? Did I fly?

Who cares...I'm here now... I look at the light in the sky, masses of purple and green. Is this the aurora? The sky is darkening, and the colours get brighter. They're getting closer, and the stars fade to make way for this light. It's like it's alive, reaching for me, but then it calms for a moment, and i look out on the clouds around as they dissipate. The ground around is fresh and green, far below me in its lively pulsing. Long grass, i believe....but no, the clouds begin to flow around me, curling around my legs and gently carressing me as it surrounds me....

The clouds burst. They spread across the sky as if by an explosion, and the lights are back, violent as they are beautiful, surrounding my like mist lightning, bright, attacking my vision and setting my skin on a whole other level of awareness. It's like it's angry at me, but it loves me as well. What an interesting concept.

The song changed, and as it flows into its beat, I feel more than i see the lights retracting, and the sky begins to light up with a sunrise. The mountain crumbles a little, and i watch the stones fall to the world below. All of a sudden, i'm small... tiny... i'm on one of the rocks as it plummets to the river. So, I can go wherever I look if I want to?  I look to the shore of the lake to which i am headed, and i'm standing there, my feet in the pale gravelly sand as the stones splash into the water. Now i'm in the water...or on it... I look down, and i see my reflection. All of a sudden, I AM my reflection. I take a step, and i'm upside down on the surface of the water, looking up at my real self. Is this what it feels like to be a spirit? I like it here. I can feel the water as i move, stepping on the underside of the surface of the water. Can I just stay here? No, of course not. I look down, and the world shifts. I'm on the floor of the lake now, and the world around me is a dark green plant colour. I see no animals, no fish..just these plants. It's boring here...and that bothers me. I look up again, and i'm on the shore. Something is wrong here. This is too easy....too simple. This isn't deep enough.

This bothers me more. Am I that afraid of myself that even now, with my doors opened, I feel unsatisfied by where i was? Do I need to go deep again? It was like a drug, but no, I can't risk that, NO WAY.

I can't do this... I have to get out of here. Maybe I'll come back again, Beautiful Reader. Maybe not. There's so much going on in my heart and my head that my soul is confused and torn. I need to think. . .

Maybe next time...

Inner Flint

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is truly shut out the world.

I'm lucky because it's been easy for me for quite a while...others...not so much. I recently realized this.

Sometimes I wish I could build a shield like mine around the people I care for. I wish they had an escape as amazing as mine is...but no... they have to swim in their emotions, drown in their fears, sorrows, angers...loneliness. I wish I could help. I wish I could hold out a helping hand, drag them from the deluge and let them rest, but no....They're trapped...

I feel the pain of other people sometimes. I sit there, i listen to a song...and then it floods in. Someone I care for is sad right now. Someone else is frustrated, angry at a situation they can't fix. Someone is alone, wanting to cry for lack of love. Why can't I put a face to a feeling? I want to help...don't you hear me? Don't you see me? Don't you feel my soul reaching to try and heal?

I've been damaged for a while, myself...but I quickly learned that no one can help you heal but you. As much as I want to protect and soothe the people I care for, I know that they're as alone as I am. I like it, though; I'm not sure if they do.

The music inundates my soul now. Maybe it's time that i captivate the sounds. I tried to see it yesterday, and I did.... today i see my feelings again. Glowing tendrils of turquoise seep from my soul, dissipating into the intoxicating smoke around my head and letting me fade into this world of mine where no one else can interrupt me... run away, run away....

Is it my intuition that plunges me into the music? Do I simply feel the emotions meant to be displayed in the music, or are they my own? What an amazing world i've found now. Empty ground, shiny like flint stone, with pools of water. All around me is mist, a pulsating mass of wispy voices. I can hear rain, but it sounds as if it is singing, like a panflute...everytime the raindrops come near me, they slow down, and i can hear the sound it makes, like blowing across the top of a bottle or running a wet finger around the rim of a crystal glass..

No, the world changes now. The wisps form together in a torrential, powerful mass of music. I hear a violin type of sound in the center, fast, intricate, winding up until finally it bursts, and the mist falls, like water over dry ice. Left in its wake is a person, made of the same flint of the ground ..silveresque,black, deep blues... all glinting off his shoulders and body. There's no face but I feel like i know who he is. He looks to me, i know it. There's no one else there but us two. Slowly he walks towards me, his feet never separating from the ground around us, barely rippling the small pools of water as he practically glides towards me. I want to ask him who he is, because I know I know him. I think he smiles slightly, a little amused... maybe he thinks I should know already.

Blink.

He's gone. I'm alone, sitting here under the table in the classroom in my house, my headphones in my ears and the lights off. I feel longing. I want to go back but I've never been able to go back to the same world in my mind. This constant flux comforted me till now, this lack of commitment to any sort of singular world. Less of a chance to screw up. Less of a chance to miss anyone... I miss this person, and I don't know why. This man of Flint. Who is he?

This is strange for me. For the first time I don't want to keep running away. I want to stay in that world and find out who that person is, because for the first time there's a person in my hidden world. Can I? Who is it that found their way into my soul, into my hidden world? Who are you? Where are you? Will I know when I see you?

I'm lost now, Beautiful Reader. I think now is the time to stop my introspection before I reach somewhere too deep and see something I don't like.

Songs listened to during this typing:
IIO - Runaway
The Glitch Mob - Warrior Concerto
 

The Music of the Mind

I woke up and listened to Icarus - Purity today.

This song makes me think. Makes me feel like I can study, concentrate. . . but at the same time, somehow it makes me look up into the sky, wish for a falling star, something small, bright..




I look up, I lie back, and I let the power of the music and the light of the moon course through my senses. I feel the damp grass beneath me and the cool breeze. It's almost fall...soon all these trees will be barren, empty as the sky is taken over by the icy clouds of winter. Then, like magic, i'll lie out here again, and I'll watch the delicate snow fall from the sky, melting against my skin as it touches it.

Yet.... that's not for a while. For now, I see only stars, beaming and twinkling in the sky. One day I want to be up there, see the world from afar.
It's nice to be alive today. Things aren't going my way, but I still have my music, and I still have my safe place that only I can access. It's my sanctuary, my oasis, my fortress, my paradise.

Still.... I fear. Now, the song has stopped... and now I look around. I'm not really in the grass. It's not really night and the sky isn't clear. No. It's a blustery end of summer day, and i'm on campus surrounded by people, just sitting here in the corner on my laptop...but wait, the music has started again. Once again I fade away, and the voices become a distant din. Once again i'm invisible inside myself. Once again no one can see the smile I hold.

I'm invisible, don't you know? I hide away and I find joy inside myself. I don't need anyone anymore. I don't feel lonely anymore at night without arms to hold me close. I don't feel guilt and remorse at the thought of those i left behind in reality. I'm free, I'm flying across the beach, pure white sand and clear water below me. I can see straight to the bottom... I can see all the sea creatures, smiling to themselves as they play games in the water. Water has always been so freeing. Now i'm underwater, in flowing clothes, in white...innocent. I don't have to breathe. I simply float, and every movement of my hands I can feel through my whole body as the cool water envelopes me. I can twist and turn, move however i want to, and I can feel it all coursing around me in a vast flow of energy, of still water moved only by my choice. I can swim deeper...deeper... but not too deep. I like the light above. I'm alone, no danger, no foe, no friend. I have no expectations to live up to, no bar to reach, no standards to surpass, no competition to rise above. I'm just me, and I can discover things with ingenuity, passion, fervor, curiosity, and a smile. Now no one can judge me. No one can care. I have no one to disappoint. How freeing, how amazing, how beautiful I feel! I'm worth something here, I'm beautiful.. I'm far from perfect but it's in my reach. God I love it here. I never want to leave, but... reality waits, and the song seems like it's going to end. I don't want to leave...can't I just hit repeat? No... no, I have responsibilities...and just like that, I can't breathe underwater anymore. No, I have to come back from paradise and go back into my shell. Ugh.

 Now people will see why my relationships never work. Why I don't think I will ever have a successful friendship or otherwise. After all, the novelty of a breathing stone wears quickly. People want something substantial, not something consistently hidden. I can never bring anyone into my little world. They can't see it, they can't feel it....and if they could I don't think they'd be able to grasp just how important this is to me. I tried once, you know...tried twice, actually. Both times I lacked judgement. Both times my world was tainted. I have to nurse it back to health. To protect it, I will seal it away. This doesn't make me crazy, of course. This makes me aware.

See, now the music changed. Dubstep, how awesome! Now I can look up and around. three beautiful girls around a laptop, three guys laughing and watching them with longing. Then my two friends, Lobo and Miguel, sitting there minding their own business, lost in their amazing worlds of music and art. Sometimes I envy their talent. Miguel can draw anything and it's just... amazing.. I've never met a more talented artist in my life. Lobo can pick up any song in 5 seconds or less on his Mandolin. How cool is that? God, this song makes me want to take up combat again. I wish... Damn ribs, get better quicker!! I need to be as strong again on the outside as I feel on the inside with this song playing.

Ah... I've typed too much! Way too much.... I should stop now. I felt so good just then I thought I would burst. I found myself smiling to myself again. God I love my paradise!!! No, reality must come first. I can smile there too. Maybe I'll keep the happy fissure in my system open, keep smiling, allow it to make me in the best mood today. Let's see how long this lasts.

Wish me luck, beautiful reader!!!

The Breathing Stone

I'm not sure why I've started a blog, really. I don't expect many to read it, and I highly doubt that it'll do me much good at all. Nevertheless, I was encouraged by a friend to try it, and to sate his curiosity and my own, I shall oblige...

What to say? Where to begin? Why to begin? These are the first questions that seep into my mind, and I'm sure this has happened to many others. I don't consider myself very special in the writing or creativity department; I never have really. I suppose I should begin at the spinning of my first thought as I stare at this life sucking device I call my laptop...

Music. I'm not sure why that's the first thing that fluttered in my mind...no wait...now I know.

Music has always been my "key to feeling." I've always had trouble reacting to things with feeling and not logic. Occasionally I'll have a spurt of anger and burst out in an immature fashion, but other than that much of my emotion is fake, forced. It's strange because I used to be quite empathetic...weird, how something in your life can flip you right around and turn you into something you weren't.

If life were as simple as pushing a button or taking a step, I'd excel; but no, it's a life where many of your decisions must come from your heart, where you must feel your audience's "vibes" and react accordingly to please them and move ahead. There is no such thing as self wrought success. It is a necessary part of life if one wishes to move ahead and provide for one's family. Stupid, right? I guess after a few years of trying to feel sorry for someone, trying to love someone else, trying to smile and be happy or excited, one emotion simply stood out above the rest and came naturally - Loneliness.

This is not to say that I felt alone in my struggle to feel, that no one else fought the same inner demon. I'm sure there are many like me...but even if I had met one like me, what good would it be? We'd simply we two beings struggling to feel anything about not feeling anything together. I guess loneliness prevailed simply because I was wanting to be like everyone else I was around. I wanted to be excited and smile and cry - there's something that hasn't happened in a while - and just be all these things. Something is blocking it, right? Well, I found my vice, my little wedge to pry open these walls I've unconsciously built for no reason, it seems.

Music.

Once I slip on the headphones and just shut my eyes and let in the beat of the drums, the tinny twanging of the steel stringed guitar, the soft swelling innocence of the piano, and the underlying support of the bass reverberating through the whole song. Each subtle difference brought out a tiny sliver of emotion that seeped through the infinitesimal breaks in my walls. Music was an infiltrator to my otherwise impervious base of a soul.

The funny thing is, this somehow came as no great shock to me. I felt relief, perhaps, in the knowledge that I was able to feel, that I wasn't some freak who simply mirrored the emotions of others to blend in. I took to listening to music at every available opportunity. Emotion was like a drug coursing through my veins and my soul with tendrils of power formerly unbeknownst to me. It was addictive, and I'd spend hours just laying prone on my floor or bed, my headphones in my ears, blasting different emotions into my mind. Sorrow, anger, peace, joy.... all flowed into a myriad of change, feeding my starved heart with a basis of understanding.

Still a problem remains, though. I can't access these wonderful emotions when I speak to someone in person. When I hear someone say something, I react how logic and observation dictates I should, and then I store the information in my mind for later analysis. More often than not, I'll respond through written or typed messages later on in the day when I've had a chance to process the information, slipping in the appropriate track 5 minutes prior to typing to "feel" my words. If I don't, and I'm pressured into immediate reaction, more often than not it is an immature response, an illogical breach in conduct. Even now, I play music that makes me think, that makes me feel, that makes me try.

I don't feel like an enigma. In fact, I know I'm not. I know I'm just like everyone out there. Something just keeps me from showing it as well. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself? Maybe something happened that made me shut down...maybe that's not a bad thing. I like to think of it as my protection, my own special shield, my invulnerable, impregnable fortress of the soul. I can take any insult, any offense... and not feel a thing. How cool is that?!

This music makes me feel so full of hope, inspired even. Maybe it's the swelling of  intensity that rolls down into a calm, almost motherly feel. It makes me feel safe, even if only for the one song. I suppose there's a slight sadness though, in knowing that as soon as I take out the headphones, I'll slip back into my stone shell, become the living statue once again, no heart, only a mind. Still, I don't think there's a safer place for me. Not yet. Not again.

I think I've talked enough for today. The music is almost finished anyway. Till next time, I suppose. Goodbye, beautiful reader. Hello, Breathing Stone.