Suffocation in My Soul

When there's no escape in your reality, you go silent, and it is in that silence that you find your weapons to fight your way back to that place where you were safe.

Eyes shut. Music on. Show me my defense.

I'm in a cave. I see dim blue light reflecting off the smooth stone surfaces, and I walk towards it. The ground feels gentle beneath my feet, like the stone is pliable, accepting of my weight. I can hear the murmuring of voices behind me, and they're getting louder, bubbling into each other and overlapping. I can't understand them but they sound angry, and I don't want to know what they're saying, so I walk faster, towards the blue flickering light.

I find the source. It's a lantern with blue glass. I pick it up, and I can feel the glaring warmth against my torso as I hold it up to find my way. The voices are getting ever nearer, and I'll be honest, I'm getting nervous. I need to get out of this cave, with its reflective gentle walls and neverending pathway.

Things around me begin to descend slowly into chaos. I can feel it, and as I stare at the walls, they begin to flow like water, shining like mercury as they melt downwards, filling the floors with a
 luminescent shine. I can't let it touch me, so I start running, my bare feet slapping against the smooth rock. I can't see anything beyond what is reflected by my lantern, so I don't know where I'm going. Someone get me out!!

But no... I'm alone, right? This is how I'm supposed to be, right? This is what I want, right? Right?

I keep running, and I can feel the floor around me moistening with the reflective glint of the walls as it turns to a torrent behind me. I splash forward, and I know if it catches me I'll drown, drown in the voices and the shouting and the emotions and the turmoil. I don't want to be alone with that. I don't want to drown like that, suffocated in my own wretched filthy mind. I run faster, and I find myself suddenly face to face with the wall, and as I turn I can feel the rumbling as it bears down on me. I shut my eyes, knowing I can't stop it, and I accept it. Suddenly everything slows, and I hear a calm pause in the music. My eyes open, and I'm face to face with myself, only I'm dripping, made of the same mercury-like material as the walls. I don't say anything, and I don't do anything, just stare. I tilt my head, my reflection tilts hers. I blink, and so does she. That's when I pause, staring at myself in dread before slowly looking down at my hands, dripping in the mercury as I start to shake, horrified at myself. I back up, and as soon as my back touches the wall, hands of the same material grasp at my arms, turning me in. What can I do but scream? I feel my breath stolen from me, and my lungs begin to pound in pain....

I'm awake.

Beautiful Reader, what is a mistake? I think I just found mine.

Get Back, Memories. Come to me, Flint.

My emotions are too high today, Beautiful Reader. I have to get away...

I run to my little corner of the classroom where i sleep on my little mattress and hide under my blanket. It's all getting to be too much. I need to get away. I need to escape. . . so I turn on my music, shut my eyes, slow my breathing. Type... type again.

I'm standing in a grey mist again. The world is familiar. I've been here before. The ground is made of a cool grey stone, shining and plain, riddled with small puddles. I look around in the mist and as the music plays, shadows rise and the puddles rise up to form around them. They take faces, the faces of those people who have haunted my mind. I walk up to each of them, put a trembling hand on their faces.

I look up at a familiar face...but something about him seems ... sad... sorrowful... he's gone. I know he is. Somehow, I know who he is and that knot in my throat comes back. I know he's already dead in the real world. Shot and killed overseas. I know who he is... I touch his face, and he smiles a little, but the water cascades as he does, and i look down as the water recedes into the stone and just try not to cry.

I walk to the next man.  I touch his face, looking into his eyes, bright, intensely coloured. When I touch him, I can feel his heart beating , and i can see him look down at me. For a moment, the water forming him wraps around me, but then it turns dark and murky, and I pull my hand away.

I look to the other man, who seems to smile kindly at me, but behind the first layer of water smiling I can see the shadow sneering, laughing and pointing at me, whispering to the shadowy figure next to him, who laughs at me. I look away, eyes clenched shut, but force myself to look at the next one.

He stands there, idly watching me, his hands folded over each other in a military fashion as he simply watches me, the hint of a smirk there as he shifts, crossing his arms and nodding at me, as if encouraging me to continue to look.

The next man stands there, and breaks into a wide smile as I look back. He seems so happy, and I smile back, the world getting a little brighter, but when I smile I can feel the daggers from the eyes of the second face, and I look back at the murky man, who looks like he wants to step forward, but turns away, reaching out slightly to hold the hands of the shadows who walk around him. I feel guilty, but when I look back at the man who smiles, his eyes burn with a genuine happiness and a hint of longing, as if he wants to give me happiness. Can i deny happiness for the sake of the Murky Man? I look back at him, and I want to reach for him, but when I do, he turns, further enfolding himself in the arms of the shadows who caress his watery skin, giving him what he wants...

I can't do it. I can't handle the conflicting emotions. All of them are different shades of darkness, reaching out and surrounding me. I can't do it. I cover my ears, shut my eyes, and sink to my knees. The one who laughed at me steps up to me and kneels next to me, tilting his head inquisitively, and I see the shadow's inky black eyes boring into me, searching for the sign of a weakness as his hand draws back to hit me. I just stare at him. Before he can hit me, the man who smiled pushes him away violently, and hissing, the laughing man slinks back to his shadows, laughing again at me as his glinting dark eyes watch me. The laughing man kneels beside me, a hand on my shoulder and a hand on my chin, lifting it to look at him, but then the Murky man comes up, breaking away for a moment from the caressing shadows who stare on, just waiting for him to come back, and the murky man puts a hand on my shoulder from behind me, looking at the laughing man with a look I can't understand. The laughing man stares back at the murky man, then looks down at me as the poisoned and muddy water of the murky man pulses, running over my flesh, surrounding my figure kneeled on the ground. I can't read his expression, but he takes his hands off me, one simply running down to my hand, standing there as I stand up. The man who looks like a guardian just stands there...he does nothing, like he's waiting for me to walk away from everything and know what he knows. I don't want to turn around. I can feel the poison of the murky water seeping into me, and it hurts, but I stand tall, and I don't want to hurt the Murky Man. I almost feel like he doesn't mean to hurt me...but he does, doesn't he? He knows what he is, right? Does he?

When I look back up into the laughing man's eyes, I see pain. He immediately looks away, but he keeps his hand over mine a moment before looking back, bright blue pulsing behind his eyes as he stares at me, quiet. I want to run away, and all of a sudden the world around me starts to spin.

The men of water swirl around me, their faces blurring into each other. Laughing. Smiling. Bitter. Guarding. They all begin to form just one thing... anger. I'm angry... I can't get away from it, and it's all around me. The emotions build too highly and spill over, and I just can't do it. I scream, "STOP!!" and all of a sudden the world stops, the men all flying back and exploding in a mist of water that combines and falls like rain. I curl up on the ground, crying. I don't want to be lonely...but I want to be alone...

I feel comforting hands run over my back and to my shoulders. I look at my shoulder and see the glinting stone of the world around me in the shape of the hand. Is it...? I look over and I see the face...it is.... It's the flint man. As he helps me up slowly to my feet, wiping away my tears with his cool, stony hands, he smiles, his features still vague, and he leans forward, kissing my forehead gently. I feel a rush of calm, of peace, and I look up at him, opening my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head, stepping back, and runs a hand over my arm. I feel like he showed me the water feelings for a reason, but I don't know what. He nods to me, as if letting me know that there was a purpose to my pain, and lets go of my arm, turning to walk back into the mist, his feet never quite leaving the flint ground. I call out after him, but he keeps walking until he is almost out of sight. Just before he disappears, he turns to me for a second. He has no expression still, but I feel okay..then he's gone, and my eyes open.

I don't have an analysis, Beautiful Reader. I think I know what the water feelings represented, but I feel no closer to a solution than I did. I still just feel lost. . . What did you want, Man of Flint? Why did I have to hurt?

I'm lost.

The Radioactive Orchestration of the Soul

Beautiful Reader,

This war on perfection is wearying me...

Eyes drift shut, music seeps in, and I find relief.

Where am I now?
I smile....
I'm playing with radiation.
It glows so beautifully....I'm dancing with the atoms on such an infinitesimal level, but I have no body...I am the moment. The light is around me, pulsing and waving in indescribable patterns and shapes... like smoke and steam and soul. How beautiful this world is...is this God? Is this perfection? Is this what I'm fighting or what I'm fighting for? It's so incredible..a burnt orange, pinks mixing now ... green and yellow.. blue, purple...so many colours, so many sounds, and its intelligence in chaos is astounding...It's on my body because i have one now...when did that happen? Was it always so? It is caressing my skin, waving patterns across my arms.

I feel it on my face, in my eyes, in everything that I am. I laugh and it's light. I breathe and it's light. I open my eyes and light spills forward in a million colours and designs, flowing out into the world. If everyone could see this, how incredible would it be? We are so insignificant... we are made of this. We are this...we are beautiful...perfect...when i move it moves with me...
I breathe in every pleasant scent i ever smelled - every flower, every candle, every clear pond, every good memory is a part of me. I am fire. I am water. I am air. I am me. It pulses from the atoms in musical pattern.... utter joy floods me. Can this be me forever? Can I bring the ones I love in the secret of my heart together? I feel that if they could just be here and see what I see, feel what I feel, the differences would just fade away. We would be amazing, just here, just dancing in the light and the colours and the smells and the feeling of gentle water. Fascination ... pure joy...I love this.





I want to be a child again, look on the world with wonder and curiosity. I want to smile up at the light and never tire of it.


Ah....Beautiful Reader. Close your eyes!!! Try it!!!! Just let your mind go. See everything you can before you can't anymore. Time is not forever in this state. Don't waste it.

To War!

Hello Beautiful Reader.

Why are we so gentle within? Why are we victims of our own weaknesses? Why are you a beautiful reader... maybe you're not because of your inner innocence. Maybe what you are is a survivor, a fighter, and maybe those wounds, scars, and memories of your tribulations are what make you beautiful. Perfection is only beautiful for so long. Eventually it is our flaws that make us truly the reader.

Nothing happened today of note...or did it?

My mind is sometimes a muddle. That's what I see now. I see nothing but a disgusting puddle of muddy, murky water in a field of flint and obsidian. What is around is intoxicating in its simple, yet vast array of beauty, but here I am, a muddy myriad of filth. Different, sure, but not pure. Not innocent. Not simple. Not really much.

I'm not different enough to be considered corrupt or ugly, or even marred. No, what I am is different. I'm blatantly there, a nuisance, and then come the few, the ghosts of blurred light outlines. They walk through the flint field with the obsidian flora in a group, walking to my puddle. Some look and keep walking, but a couple stay a moment, turning from the crowd of people in my life to stare at the muddied water. They must wonder what its purpose is, if it's part of the show or just a mistake, but they keep walking eventually. A part of me wants to scream, "It's me! Don't leave me here!" and the other part is too ashamed to say anything. After all, it's been me that's dragged me out of my own pits before, and it's me that will do it again. I don't need the help, and I'm too proud to accept it. They can all just go their own way... and so they do, and i hang my head in loneliness...


What am I to you? Am I a sideshow? A brief moment in your day, forgotten again? Will I keep on, and if I do, where will I go?

My eyes are shut again. I'm in the desert. . . white sands, I think. The sun beats down on the snow like surface, the dunes glinting like a million little diamonds. The wind buffets my face, carressing my body with heat and glittery sand. I dig my toes into the innocent sand, smiling.  There is no shade, but I don't need it. All I am is the world around me, and I see myself dissipate into sand, blown away by the wind. I soar over the desert, free in my sudden separation from the world. Peace...what a thing to have...but no, the adventure doesn't end here!

I fly, each grain of myself dancing on the wind to its every whim and thought. I'm dancing! I laugh, twirling, spinning chaotically into the obliviously intense blue sky, and I don't care about anything again. I'm not numb, but I'm just okay with everything. It's warm, i'm free, and i don't have a body. Nothing to live up to, nothing to get skinny, nothing to get strong, no heart to beat, no air to breathe, no tendons to stretch or muscles to warm up, nothing. I don't need it, and there's no pain or pleasure, just the whistling wind through my disembodied being. I dance across the sunbeams, making the sounds of laughter and song both, thought alone guiding my voices into a  melodious wonder, and suddenly, I want nothing more than to sleep at the crescendo. Suddenly, the world is alit with colour for the briefest second as the sun sets, and the cool night is calmly held by the pale moonlight.

I'm in a sea of reflecting glow, and i'm in a body again, but i'm perfect, lying in the sand in a white dress. I can feel my perfection... the smoothness of my skin, the silky softness of my hair, the lithe muscles and the sloping curves of my body. I know i'm creamily tanned, exotic, and i stretch out a long leg through the sand... ah, maybe if i believe hard enough i'll become her. I smile, confidence swelling inside of me. In this form, I can be whatever I want. None will reject me, but I won't mind if they do. I don't have or want power, but i won't be hurt....but...i don't want it. I hum to myself, smiling slightly at the moonlight as i feel her cool light on my skin. My eyes are brown, then blue, staring at the stars as they smile at me. But still, I need to go back. This is fruitless, this dreaming about false beauty. No. I need to come back to reality and sleep. Angrily i strike the air, which ripples like water and goes back to reflecting my face, sweating and gasping from the effort of the wish. I'm sorry, self...not tonight. I cannot dwell. I will not dwell.

This perfection is not what I need. I need my scars. I need my pride from surviving pain. It is my way of laughing at the world. Look what I can do, world!!! I can handle you!!! Throw more my way... I'll fight you every step of the way. To war, perfection! Meet me on the battlefield of reality.

Good night, beautiful reader. Good night, survivor.

Hello Self. Self, Hello.

Hello, my Beautiful Reader.

It's been a little while... again.

My mind has been a myriad of struggle. Struggle to understand. Struggle to navigate. Struggle to focus. Everything has been a muddle, a blur of colour and mud....I can scarcely find my way anymore, but I think I made a breakthrough today. Let me tell you!

I was closing my eyes. The song on the radio made its way into my soul, liquid and opalescent both. Then, it just burst. It was violent, almost painful. I felt my mind wracked with a building intensity, and suddenly it was gone. I opened the eyes of my soul, of my mind, and I saw a forest. Every colour was clear, defined, and staring at me. I stood there, staring at myself, or maybe just the reflection of myself caused by the glaring colours. It was like i saw myself in the flesh, but i was made of misted, light shining colour. I smiled at myself, and looked around at the forest, my eyes full of wonder. All I could do is stare at my light-made self, my jaw open as she...I...stared at the forest with a knowing look. I took the moment to look around with myself, and as i did, i noticed something. the water from all the leaves began to rise, slowly as the violin sounded in my head to the tune of "The River Flows in You." It was like the water wanted to dance, and so it did, lifting slowly and reflecting the sunlight in a thousand little rainbows, glittering sundrops in the air, and it surrounded me and myself. It moved slowly, spiraling around each other slowly, and i laughed. I really laughed. It was beautiful!!! Then, the water started going through the light part of me, and it took the colours with it, and all of a sudden the lights were greens, browns, pinks, purples, just reflecting like the sun on a lake's surface, reflecting off the bottom of a bridge. I looked at myself, and I reached out, as did myself. Our hands met, but didn't meet. We kind of melded into each other. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it's like... I dunno. It's like I found myself, and I felt happy, but scared. If this is who I was protecting, would I be protected still?

When that thought rand through my mind, it was like all the water droplets started talking... yes... talking.... but with the voices of my memories.

Ricky was telling me never to trust a person who could ruin you..
My mother was telling me to only trust God.
My sister was crying, telling me that trusting is what hurt her.
Jemima was telling me that I had to trust someone eventually or I'd lose what makes me human.
Fido was telling me to just trust him. He sounded so angry, exasperated.
Then it was my voice, shouting, "I trusted you!"
Then it was just the feeling of shutting down, and all the water fell but one droplet, and it just sat there at eye level, pulsing gently, and a distant voice spoke.
"Not trusting is what makes you vulnerable. To live shut away is not living at all. The choice is yours."

I reached out, my hand under the water droplet, and i brought it closer to me be just moving my hand back, and I looked at it a moment before closing my hand around it. It felt cool, pleasant, and I could feel it coursing through my veins like a delicate brook through a desert. The feeling was.... well, I can't really truly describe it, but remember the feeling of running your dry, hot fingers through a warm yet cool river, and the refreshing feeling it gave you... something like that, but through every blood vessel and vein you have.  When I opened my eyes, the forest was gone, and I was sitting down in my room, my body tingling like it hasn't in a long time.

Maybe it's time I start opening up again. I don't know... I don't know if I'm ready to take that kind of risk. I am all I have. If I lose myself to someone, what will I do then? Can I take that kind of pain? Will I have to? I don't know. I don't want to be someone who is full of drama, who causes it, and I don't want to make it seem like what is going on inside of me is some movie-worthy self realization of dramatically epic proportions... What is going on inside of me is going on inside of so many other people. Maybe I just visualize it better. Who knows?

Ah... I have to runaway now, for alas, real life calls. I'll have to think about this more later.
Good Day, Beautiful Reader.  Remember that you are not alone.