Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I Am Free

Sometimes to know where you're going, you have to know where you are. You can see where you've been, and you know where you want to go, but where are you, now, in this very moment? Are you somewhere bad, hoping for a better day? Are you somewhere good, afraid of the imminent crash into the bad? Or are you apathetic, stagnant and just praying for something exciting to come along?

My eyes flutter closed, more due to the slight intoxication twisting in with my already tired mind and body, and I try to see with my minds eye where I am.

All my soul wants is peace, for peace is all that will welcome rest, and rest is all that's going to get me going tomorrow. My mind is clouded, and all I can see is the gray mist that surrounds me, cold and muffled, as I stand in the ashes. I kneel, knowing inherently that my little bud is still there. It's grown, I see. Soft, white petals gently sway open in the moonlight as the mist just around me clears. I gently lean down and kiss the petals, giving them what life I can muster within me, which isn't much, but it's enough. The gentle plant begins to grow taller, a soft, white glow where my lips touched it pulsing and coursing through the rest of the plant, like morphine through veins.

The plant is now taller than me, and the petals are each as big as my torso. I can see the moonlight glowing through them, absorbed and stored in those pale petals as the plant seems to sing, a solitary, mysterious voice in the quiet of the night, emanating from the very velvet of the white glow. I reach up slowly, running a single gentle finger over the underside of the plant. Where did you come from, companion? What do you feel? I sit gently in the soft, silken ash and lean my head back against the soft stem of the plant, feeling it sway slightly under the unfamiliar weight.

(As I write this, the song that just started is called "A Place in Heaven" by Thomas Bergersen(Fitting), so if you, Beautiful Reader, would like to feel as I do, skip at the list of music at the bottom of the page to that song.)

I look up into the glowing petals, lit only by the moon of my soft desire, and for just a moment, I wonder if it came from the garden. I run my hand along the stem, now. It's surprisingly smooth for it's sturdiness, and it seems to caress my hand, absorbing what i'm willing to give. In that moment, I know that I will give everything to help this new world in my mind survive. I will protect it from the corruption that destroyed its former self....what I let destroy it. My mind's eye drifts shut, and through the eyelids of my imagination images of the burning world flit forth of their own volition. The red anger glowed through the corpses of the life around, and the trees screamed in pain as they died in agony, the river crying in pain as it dried up and the bed was burned... I'm okay with this...it needed to be destroyed. The only way to kill that amount of hidden rot and disease is to burn it and start anew.

We are all born with a natural evil, a corruption brought by human nature, but in our minds, when we go to our true core and not this thing that we have let grow within us, we can see the purity that we really have. It is our flaws that make us unique, that make us wonderful, and it is with those flaws that we create our heaven.

As I drift my eyes open again to look at my lunar plant, I see the ash begin to move slowly, and from around me, green bursts forth from the dead grey. Grass sprouts, flowers bloom, trees wind out of the ground and the moon begins to glow brighter, bright as the sun until it bursts, and the white glow spreads like a torrential force across the ground. When it crosses the green plant, the plant fills with light, breathing in a new life. I feel the laughter on my lips, the smile crossing my face as the light runs across my skin, caressing my body, comforting my burning eyes.

Suddenly, from the ground rises glowing figures. My friends. My confidants. Those I hurt. Those I loved. They stand before me, smiling gently, their outlines softly pulsing as they step forward, taking my hand and leading me forward to the face of the flourishing mountain. I face the wall, and it begins to morph, moving gently until an opalescent shift in colours begins to take the shape of a man. He steps forward, smiling softly, his eyes still featureless, but I know they are full of caring. (Song shifted to Thomas Bergersen - Promise) He stands before me, his hand on the sloping face of the rock as it opens like folds of fabric, and I can hear a soft voice calling to me within the darkness of the mountain. The scent of fruit and flowers rides the air, giggling, bubbling with the sound of a distant brook as I feel peace surround me. The Flint man places a cool hand on my shoulder, motioning to the world around me, and I look up at him, my eyes full of excitement. This is new to me. This is all new. I have never felt like this before. I feel so free, peaceful, and the happiness that flows through me is no longer tainted by the thoughts of my guilt in the real world. There is no underlying pain, no dread to go back to reality, for now I know that reality is just as wonderful as this world. I look to the flint man, and I smile back at him before I run back into reality, through the darkness to wake up.

I am falling.

I am floating.

I am laughing.

My eyes drift open, and once again I sit here in this chair in the University to which I am a scholar...but this time it's different. What mattered in my mind matters now in the real world. I feel the same peace and happiness, and guess what, Beautiful Reader? I'm finally okay with myself. I'm free. I know that I am far from perfect, but I think i'm starting to love myself in reality as much as I love who I am in my mind, that free, flying, floating, glowing woman with a perfect, slender body and a dress of flowing white. I know i'm not her...but... I know I can be, and I have the motivation to be her. Beyond that... I know that I can be her. This is what I've been searching for. I know now that I can walk forward without fear and I can do what I have been afraid of failing and I can succeed instead. I can look at the world and walk to my classes and know that I CAN DO IT. It's difficult and sometimes overwhelming, but I can do it. I don't have to break. I don't have to continue to be the failure i've been.  I can look at my past, at the people I trusted that hurt me, at the mistakes i've made that have cost me my friends, my education, my opportunities... and I can forgive them and myself and finally let them all go. I don't need to let thoughts of them plague my mind anymore. It's a bright future now. It's full of promise and of new experiences. I don't need the baggage. I don't need the guilt. I can keep going and I don't have to keep them in my life anymore. I can stand on my own. I can now turn my eyes ahead, and the people who will come into my life will come, and I will greet them now with open arms instead of wary stares. I know i'll make more mistakes in the future, and I know that people will come into my life and, yes, i'll be a little afraid...but hell... isn't that the point? You have to decide what is worth the effort of overcoming the fear. You have to decide who is worth fighting for, who is worth your love and your life. And you must be unafraid, Beautiful Reader...unafraid to move on if that person isn't what you need. Unafraid to keep walking if where you are isn't where you want to be... And you must be unafraid when someone comes along your path beside you and remains there with you as you walk, catching you when you stumble, for such is a person worth catching when they do the same...and isn't that the goal? Isn't that what it's all about?

Beautiful Reader, this is beauty as I know it. This is life as I know it. This is what I love.