A World, Killed. A World, Decayed.

I've exhausted myself, Beautiful Reader.

The world is full of unsurety, of an unabashedly twisted path none can truly navigate. You can never see around the bend, only where you are, with the memory of where you've been. Sometimes, on this path, I turn around and gaze back, longing for the beautiful places where I could rest, but now...lately... I just walk along this path alone, kicking stones along the grey, ash ridden ruins I created.

I see the specters of people, glowing a moment and swirling in ash before they fall to the ground. When they exist, they walk beside me, trying to hold my hand, but before they touch me, they crumble.

Remnants of my rage cling to me like lost children, and I can feel her within me, that woman of violence, myself shrouded in shadowed anger. I kick another rock forward, watching as it skips across the field of barren ash, leaving little puffs of dust as it settles. I continue to walk forward, looking at the charred remains of the trees as they droop, charcoal black on my hands when I touch them. They crumble. They die...they are already dead.

I walk to the mountain, a blackened, skeletal tower of rock. I grab the stones, hauling myself up as my face becomes increasingly charred. It doesn't take any effort, but I can feel its pain as I get closer to the top.

I've reached the summit, and I sit on that flat panel piece of rock, staring at the edge of my atmosphere, scarred with reddened clouds that swirl in an angry calm above me. A dead wind stirs my hair. My eyes scan my world in a bittersweet satisfaction...but suddenly, a morose sadness washes over me. this world is dead. My inside escape has become my inner regret, my death within. I did this. I chose this. I know I don't need this.. right? This obsessed war on perfection killed the peace I had. Did I want it ever before, and do i want it now? Do i regret this mistake, or is this regret itself?

I don't want it back. I can see the tear drifting down my face, smearing through the ash and soot as I gaze with dead, grey eyes. I hate this world. I hate it. I pick up a rock lying convenient to my position, and I throw it as far as I can, watching it tumble down to the skeletal, charred forest that was my heaven. Damn it to hell, to itself, unto me. I get up, noticing only now that I wear no clothes, that the soot has stained my body, making me like the world around, and look up again at the deadly red sky. I think it's time for me to leave.

I sigh, my breath ash and smoke, and I lick my chapped lips. They taste dead. I open my grey eyes again, and I step off the edge of the mountain, letting the ash-laced world suck me in as I tumble through the air, landing gently on my back in the soft ash. I stare up at the grey and red world, willing the ash to just cover me, suffocate me, and as I look around, I see the ash and dying light specters staring at me, making a semicircle. I can feel their sorrow, and I know they hate me, what I've done. I can't feel guilty. Not now. Not anymore. I lie there, and I let my eyes drift shut, coming back to reality.

That world doesn't need me. I don't need me. I don't need anyone. Underneath all their life, lies prevail. A dead world is inside all of us. We can't hide behind the green and the floating drops of water, not anymore. Ash and soot... that's what we make ourselves. That's all. And we don't want to improve. We don't want to make the effort anymore. We're lazy, and we love it. We drink in it, in the sloth and nothing. In the drowning of our consciences, we find a sick, twisted joy. We don't need to feel anything else, do we? Just disgust of ourselves that we lock away so we don't have to feel it.

We're all sick, Beautiful Reader. Aren't we?

Forward With Fire

MUSIC PLAYED - Counting Bodies Like Sheep

Beautiful Reader, I apologize. I'm about to disappoint you.

For once, peace isn't desired.

For once, I want conflict.

Eyes shut.

There's a long hallway, dripping with a dark red liquid, grated floors and the sound of metal crashing against itself in a war drum beat. Someone stands at the end of the hallway, black hooded and red eyed as she stands there, staring at me as her lips turn up in a sinister grin. She steps forward, and my fists tense as I feel the heat radiating off her aura. There is fire where she steps, lighting the blood trickling down as I hear my breaths come in short, shattering bursts. My heart beats to the chaotic rhythm of the war drums, and I step forward to meet her, staring directly into her nearly featureless face, her smile of pointed teeth, and her eyes, as the glowing red within begins to melt into her skin, falling like tears and taking the skin with it.

She leans forward, whispering in my ear, telling me to love her again, and love her I do, taking her hand and joining her with me, taking her essence as she fades with a fiery laugh, and I feel rejuvenated, a righteous fury burning through my veins. I look up at the far wall, and I run towards it, my fist slamming into it, blasting it into oblivion as I see my world, my peaceful, mountainous world with its aurora and mist, and I just stare, willing it to burn, to just go away and let me have my vengeance.

I feel myself smile as the spark starts from the aurora, the blues, greens, and purples flashing into a red and orange, spreading to the mist and consuming it as it rushes down the mountain, caring not for life or time, neither beauty nor filth...all burns, all is destroyed. The aurora blasts out in all directions, consuming, crushing, disposing of all in its path. I step forward onto the melting ground, not caring that my own flesh burns and yields to the encroaching and unforgiving heat.

I reach the lake, a smirk playing at the corner of my lips as i materialize at the bottom of the desolate pit and break through, my world fading in ash as I stand there, letting it swirl around me in smoke and the scent of death in a rampant vortex. I breathe in the smoke deeply, letting myself choke on it. This is what lay beneath the peace. More of the same.

I don't need to hurt anymore. I don't need to calmly accept that which harms me, relying on defensive walls and a retreat into myself to be unaffected. It's about time I try going on the offense, breaking through resistance and forcing myself forward. I will no longer allow myself to be held back.

Eyes open.

I don't know why I feel like this...but I think it's about time that I do.

Breathing Stone? Perhaps...

Stones can break bones, though....remember that, Beautiful Reader.

Second Choice, Second Best

When did you have that moment, Beautiful Reader, when you just realized how bad the people in this world have become?

When did you have that moment where you didn't want to lose that naivety you'd had, when you didn't want to stop believing in the possibility of a first and last being the same thing? A one and only passion, whether it's a person, a hobby, or a career, just coming into your life and sticking? Of you being the first choice, not the one they settle for? Of you finding a career or a hobby that takes such a passionate hold on you that you would be happy for the rest of your life just doing it?

I had a moment like that today. I sat there, thought long and hard, and it hit me how bad the world was...it also hit me that I can't let that make me angry or sad. It needs to make me determined. It needs to be my inspiration to be the best me I can be. Maybe this world I have in my mind of pressing flowers and defying reality is useful for a time, but if I spend too much time in introspection, how can I ever ground myself in reality and go somewhere?

I don't want to be famous, high-up, or anything of the sort. Maybe all I want is to run away from the world, find a peaceful place with someone who wants me as a first choice, and forget the rest of the world exists. Just find a place where there's a break from this trial. A place where we, as humans, can drop the thrill of drama and drink in peace...

And my eyes drift shut.

I'm standing on the edge of a branch, over a forest of evergreens, but right at the base of my branch is this clear rippling vision...like water, but not. As I stare at it and follow its glimmering to the horizon, and as I do, it changes, thickening as the vision of the forest beneath it fades to a shimmering white. Suddenly the water is the ocean, and I can feel the pulsing, gentle warmth of the sunset as the colours wash over me. I sit in the sand and hum to myself with the music, tracing in the silken sand a curving line, and with it comes out my emotion, and I look back up at the sunlit horizon, smiling as the piano plays in my mind. I feel the ocean move as I breathe, swelling and gently cascading over itself as the water rises into a waterfall, the world around me melting into a deep green forest as I find myself seated on a cool rock, my fingers tracing the stream at my feet. There are little fish in the water, and as I see them, I find myself diving into the water without moving, the cool, deep water quenching my thirst and cooling my parched skin as I find myself in a lake, breathing the water like air and twisting around to look around.

The pain in my ribs is gone, the pain from my back is gone, and all the deformities and scars on my skin are gone as the water flows, purifying me. I'm naked, clean, and the voices singing, "While I wait, I remember the sound of your voice" in harmony seem to just flow through my heart as I move through the flowing water. I don't want to leave. I don't need the flint man, or myself, or restrictive clothes, or anything. I don't need to strive to be a good person, or push myself every second of the day to learn more, or to not be lazy, or anything. It doesn't matter anymore, because this is my soul and it's still okay, alive, and peaceful. No one else needs me. I don't need anybody else.

I don't think I ever did. All I ever needed was peace. The others outside my eyelids can take their desires and smile with them. They will never see me, not really. All this strife will go away one day, and when that day comes they'll be happy with what they see in me. Maybe. Who knows, Beautiful reader?

I'm awake, but I need to sleep it all off....

Good night, Beautiful Reader. Be happy.