When did you have that moment, Beautiful Reader, when you just realized how bad the people in this world have become?
When did you have that moment where you didn't want to lose that naivety you'd had, when you didn't want to stop believing in the possibility of a first and last being the same thing? A one and only passion, whether it's a person, a hobby, or a career, just coming into your life and sticking? Of you being the first choice, not the one they settle for? Of you finding a career or a hobby that takes such a passionate hold on you that you would be happy for the rest of your life just doing it?
I had a moment like that today. I sat there, thought long and hard, and it hit me how bad the world was...it also hit me that I can't let that make me angry or sad. It needs to make me determined. It needs to be my inspiration to be the best me I can be. Maybe this world I have in my mind of pressing flowers and defying reality is useful for a time, but if I spend too much time in introspection, how can I ever ground myself in reality and go somewhere?
I don't want to be famous, high-up, or anything of the sort. Maybe all I want is to run away from the world, find a peaceful place with someone who wants me as a first choice, and forget the rest of the world exists. Just find a place where there's a break from this trial. A place where we, as humans, can drop the thrill of drama and drink in peace...
And my eyes drift shut.
I'm standing on the edge of a branch, over a forest of evergreens, but right at the base of my branch is this clear rippling vision...like water, but not. As I stare at it and follow its glimmering to the horizon, and as I do, it changes, thickening as the vision of the forest beneath it fades to a shimmering white. Suddenly the water is the ocean, and I can feel the pulsing, gentle warmth of the sunset as the colours wash over me. I sit in the sand and hum to myself with the music, tracing in the silken sand a curving line, and with it comes out my emotion, and I look back up at the sunlit horizon, smiling as the piano plays in my mind. I feel the ocean move as I breathe, swelling and gently cascading over itself as the water rises into a waterfall, the world around me melting into a deep green forest as I find myself seated on a cool rock, my fingers tracing the stream at my feet. There are little fish in the water, and as I see them, I find myself diving into the water without moving, the cool, deep water quenching my thirst and cooling my parched skin as I find myself in a lake, breathing the water like air and twisting around to look around.
The pain in my ribs is gone, the pain from my back is gone, and all the deformities and scars on my skin are gone as the water flows, purifying me. I'm naked, clean, and the voices singing, "While I wait, I remember the sound of your voice" in harmony seem to just flow through my heart as I move through the flowing water. I don't want to leave. I don't need the flint man, or myself, or restrictive clothes, or anything. I don't need to strive to be a good person, or push myself every second of the day to learn more, or to not be lazy, or anything. It doesn't matter anymore, because this is my soul and it's still okay, alive, and peaceful. No one else needs me. I don't need anybody else.
I don't think I ever did. All I ever needed was peace. The others outside my eyelids can take their desires and smile with them. They will never see me, not really. All this strife will go away one day, and when that day comes they'll be happy with what they see in me. Maybe. Who knows, Beautiful reader?
I'm awake, but I need to sleep it all off....
Good night, Beautiful Reader. Be happy.
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