Hello Self. Self, Hello.

Hello, my Beautiful Reader.

It's been a little while... again.

My mind has been a myriad of struggle. Struggle to understand. Struggle to navigate. Struggle to focus. Everything has been a muddle, a blur of colour and mud....I can scarcely find my way anymore, but I think I made a breakthrough today. Let me tell you!

I was closing my eyes. The song on the radio made its way into my soul, liquid and opalescent both. Then, it just burst. It was violent, almost painful. I felt my mind wracked with a building intensity, and suddenly it was gone. I opened the eyes of my soul, of my mind, and I saw a forest. Every colour was clear, defined, and staring at me. I stood there, staring at myself, or maybe just the reflection of myself caused by the glaring colours. It was like i saw myself in the flesh, but i was made of misted, light shining colour. I smiled at myself, and looked around at the forest, my eyes full of wonder. All I could do is stare at my light-made self, my jaw open as she...I...stared at the forest with a knowing look. I took the moment to look around with myself, and as i did, i noticed something. the water from all the leaves began to rise, slowly as the violin sounded in my head to the tune of "The River Flows in You." It was like the water wanted to dance, and so it did, lifting slowly and reflecting the sunlight in a thousand little rainbows, glittering sundrops in the air, and it surrounded me and myself. It moved slowly, spiraling around each other slowly, and i laughed. I really laughed. It was beautiful!!! Then, the water started going through the light part of me, and it took the colours with it, and all of a sudden the lights were greens, browns, pinks, purples, just reflecting like the sun on a lake's surface, reflecting off the bottom of a bridge. I looked at myself, and I reached out, as did myself. Our hands met, but didn't meet. We kind of melded into each other. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it's like... I dunno. It's like I found myself, and I felt happy, but scared. If this is who I was protecting, would I be protected still?

When that thought rand through my mind, it was like all the water droplets started talking... yes... talking.... but with the voices of my memories.

Ricky was telling me never to trust a person who could ruin you..
My mother was telling me to only trust God.
My sister was crying, telling me that trusting is what hurt her.
Jemima was telling me that I had to trust someone eventually or I'd lose what makes me human.
Fido was telling me to just trust him. He sounded so angry, exasperated.
Then it was my voice, shouting, "I trusted you!"
Then it was just the feeling of shutting down, and all the water fell but one droplet, and it just sat there at eye level, pulsing gently, and a distant voice spoke.
"Not trusting is what makes you vulnerable. To live shut away is not living at all. The choice is yours."

I reached out, my hand under the water droplet, and i brought it closer to me be just moving my hand back, and I looked at it a moment before closing my hand around it. It felt cool, pleasant, and I could feel it coursing through my veins like a delicate brook through a desert. The feeling was.... well, I can't really truly describe it, but remember the feeling of running your dry, hot fingers through a warm yet cool river, and the refreshing feeling it gave you... something like that, but through every blood vessel and vein you have.  When I opened my eyes, the forest was gone, and I was sitting down in my room, my body tingling like it hasn't in a long time.

Maybe it's time I start opening up again. I don't know... I don't know if I'm ready to take that kind of risk. I am all I have. If I lose myself to someone, what will I do then? Can I take that kind of pain? Will I have to? I don't know. I don't want to be someone who is full of drama, who causes it, and I don't want to make it seem like what is going on inside of me is some movie-worthy self realization of dramatically epic proportions... What is going on inside of me is going on inside of so many other people. Maybe I just visualize it better. Who knows?

Ah... I have to runaway now, for alas, real life calls. I'll have to think about this more later.
Good Day, Beautiful Reader.  Remember that you are not alone.