Inner Flint

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is truly shut out the world.

I'm lucky because it's been easy for me for quite a while...others...not so much. I recently realized this.

Sometimes I wish I could build a shield like mine around the people I care for. I wish they had an escape as amazing as mine is...but no... they have to swim in their emotions, drown in their fears, sorrows, angers...loneliness. I wish I could help. I wish I could hold out a helping hand, drag them from the deluge and let them rest, but no....They're trapped...

I feel the pain of other people sometimes. I sit there, i listen to a song...and then it floods in. Someone I care for is sad right now. Someone else is frustrated, angry at a situation they can't fix. Someone is alone, wanting to cry for lack of love. Why can't I put a face to a feeling? I want to help...don't you hear me? Don't you see me? Don't you feel my soul reaching to try and heal?

I've been damaged for a while, myself...but I quickly learned that no one can help you heal but you. As much as I want to protect and soothe the people I care for, I know that they're as alone as I am. I like it, though; I'm not sure if they do.

The music inundates my soul now. Maybe it's time that i captivate the sounds. I tried to see it yesterday, and I did.... today i see my feelings again. Glowing tendrils of turquoise seep from my soul, dissipating into the intoxicating smoke around my head and letting me fade into this world of mine where no one else can interrupt me... run away, run away....

Is it my intuition that plunges me into the music? Do I simply feel the emotions meant to be displayed in the music, or are they my own? What an amazing world i've found now. Empty ground, shiny like flint stone, with pools of water. All around me is mist, a pulsating mass of wispy voices. I can hear rain, but it sounds as if it is singing, like a panflute...everytime the raindrops come near me, they slow down, and i can hear the sound it makes, like blowing across the top of a bottle or running a wet finger around the rim of a crystal glass..

No, the world changes now. The wisps form together in a torrential, powerful mass of music. I hear a violin type of sound in the center, fast, intricate, winding up until finally it bursts, and the mist falls, like water over dry ice. Left in its wake is a person, made of the same flint of the ground ..silveresque,black, deep blues... all glinting off his shoulders and body. There's no face but I feel like i know who he is. He looks to me, i know it. There's no one else there but us two. Slowly he walks towards me, his feet never separating from the ground around us, barely rippling the small pools of water as he practically glides towards me. I want to ask him who he is, because I know I know him. I think he smiles slightly, a little amused... maybe he thinks I should know already.

Blink.

He's gone. I'm alone, sitting here under the table in the classroom in my house, my headphones in my ears and the lights off. I feel longing. I want to go back but I've never been able to go back to the same world in my mind. This constant flux comforted me till now, this lack of commitment to any sort of singular world. Less of a chance to screw up. Less of a chance to miss anyone... I miss this person, and I don't know why. This man of Flint. Who is he?

This is strange for me. For the first time I don't want to keep running away. I want to stay in that world and find out who that person is, because for the first time there's a person in my hidden world. Can I? Who is it that found their way into my soul, into my hidden world? Who are you? Where are you? Will I know when I see you?

I'm lost now, Beautiful Reader. I think now is the time to stop my introspection before I reach somewhere too deep and see something I don't like.

Songs listened to during this typing:
IIO - Runaway
The Glitch Mob - Warrior Concerto