The Music of the Mind

I woke up and listened to Icarus - Purity today.

This song makes me think. Makes me feel like I can study, concentrate. . . but at the same time, somehow it makes me look up into the sky, wish for a falling star, something small, bright..




I look up, I lie back, and I let the power of the music and the light of the moon course through my senses. I feel the damp grass beneath me and the cool breeze. It's almost fall...soon all these trees will be barren, empty as the sky is taken over by the icy clouds of winter. Then, like magic, i'll lie out here again, and I'll watch the delicate snow fall from the sky, melting against my skin as it touches it.

Yet.... that's not for a while. For now, I see only stars, beaming and twinkling in the sky. One day I want to be up there, see the world from afar.
It's nice to be alive today. Things aren't going my way, but I still have my music, and I still have my safe place that only I can access. It's my sanctuary, my oasis, my fortress, my paradise.

Still.... I fear. Now, the song has stopped... and now I look around. I'm not really in the grass. It's not really night and the sky isn't clear. No. It's a blustery end of summer day, and i'm on campus surrounded by people, just sitting here in the corner on my laptop...but wait, the music has started again. Once again I fade away, and the voices become a distant din. Once again i'm invisible inside myself. Once again no one can see the smile I hold.

I'm invisible, don't you know? I hide away and I find joy inside myself. I don't need anyone anymore. I don't feel lonely anymore at night without arms to hold me close. I don't feel guilt and remorse at the thought of those i left behind in reality. I'm free, I'm flying across the beach, pure white sand and clear water below me. I can see straight to the bottom... I can see all the sea creatures, smiling to themselves as they play games in the water. Water has always been so freeing. Now i'm underwater, in flowing clothes, in white...innocent. I don't have to breathe. I simply float, and every movement of my hands I can feel through my whole body as the cool water envelopes me. I can twist and turn, move however i want to, and I can feel it all coursing around me in a vast flow of energy, of still water moved only by my choice. I can swim deeper...deeper... but not too deep. I like the light above. I'm alone, no danger, no foe, no friend. I have no expectations to live up to, no bar to reach, no standards to surpass, no competition to rise above. I'm just me, and I can discover things with ingenuity, passion, fervor, curiosity, and a smile. Now no one can judge me. No one can care. I have no one to disappoint. How freeing, how amazing, how beautiful I feel! I'm worth something here, I'm beautiful.. I'm far from perfect but it's in my reach. God I love it here. I never want to leave, but... reality waits, and the song seems like it's going to end. I don't want to leave...can't I just hit repeat? No... no, I have responsibilities...and just like that, I can't breathe underwater anymore. No, I have to come back from paradise and go back into my shell. Ugh.

 Now people will see why my relationships never work. Why I don't think I will ever have a successful friendship or otherwise. After all, the novelty of a breathing stone wears quickly. People want something substantial, not something consistently hidden. I can never bring anyone into my little world. They can't see it, they can't feel it....and if they could I don't think they'd be able to grasp just how important this is to me. I tried once, you know...tried twice, actually. Both times I lacked judgement. Both times my world was tainted. I have to nurse it back to health. To protect it, I will seal it away. This doesn't make me crazy, of course. This makes me aware.

See, now the music changed. Dubstep, how awesome! Now I can look up and around. three beautiful girls around a laptop, three guys laughing and watching them with longing. Then my two friends, Lobo and Miguel, sitting there minding their own business, lost in their amazing worlds of music and art. Sometimes I envy their talent. Miguel can draw anything and it's just... amazing.. I've never met a more talented artist in my life. Lobo can pick up any song in 5 seconds or less on his Mandolin. How cool is that? God, this song makes me want to take up combat again. I wish... Damn ribs, get better quicker!! I need to be as strong again on the outside as I feel on the inside with this song playing.

Ah... I've typed too much! Way too much.... I should stop now. I felt so good just then I thought I would burst. I found myself smiling to myself again. God I love my paradise!!! No, reality must come first. I can smile there too. Maybe I'll keep the happy fissure in my system open, keep smiling, allow it to make me in the best mood today. Let's see how long this lasts.

Wish me luck, beautiful reader!!!