Songs listened to -
Elements - Lindsey Stirling + thinkers list
Beautiful Reader!!
It's me again, your Breathing Stone. It's been a while since I let myself out of myself. Last time, I think I went too deep and scared myself.
Still, no one can stay alone for too long....it does things to your head. I found myself spilling over, cracking myself through my own little fissures. I felt like i was bursting, light etching in intricate designs against my grey, cold skin...eventually I let just a peep of myself out, just a little bit. Bad idea! A thousand times a bad idea.
I don't need this often, but I have come to realize that I do need it...So here we go again, beautiful reader, here we delve again into my soul.
I shut my eyes. It's a good thing I don't have to stare at the keyboard as I type...
The violin cascades. The sounds in the background swell and flow in pulses. I feel it enter my mind, and again, I let it in. There I am! I'm on top of a mountain. I'm wearing white again, but this dress is so long that the only reason it doesn't drag on the floor is because of the wind. I feel like i'm flying, but I can feel my bare feet on the precipice of the rock. How did I get here? Did I climb? Did I fly?
Who cares...I'm here now... I look at the light in the sky, masses of purple and green. Is this the aurora? The sky is darkening, and the colours get brighter. They're getting closer, and the stars fade to make way for this light. It's like it's alive, reaching for me, but then it calms for a moment, and i look out on the clouds around as they dissipate. The ground around is fresh and green, far below me in its lively pulsing. Long grass, i believe....but no, the clouds begin to flow around me, curling around my legs and gently carressing me as it surrounds me....
The clouds burst. They spread across the sky as if by an explosion, and the lights are back, violent as they are beautiful, surrounding my like mist lightning, bright, attacking my vision and setting my skin on a whole other level of awareness. It's like it's angry at me, but it loves me as well. What an interesting concept.
The song changed, and as it flows into its beat, I feel more than i see the lights retracting, and the sky begins to light up with a sunrise. The mountain crumbles a little, and i watch the stones fall to the world below. All of a sudden, i'm small... tiny... i'm on one of the rocks as it plummets to the river. So, I can go wherever I look if I want to? I look to the shore of the lake to which i am headed, and i'm standing there, my feet in the pale gravelly sand as the stones splash into the water. Now i'm in the water...or on it... I look down, and i see my reflection. All of a sudden, I AM my reflection. I take a step, and i'm upside down on the surface of the water, looking up at my real self. Is this what it feels like to be a spirit? I like it here. I can feel the water as i move, stepping on the underside of the surface of the water. Can I just stay here? No, of course not. I look down, and the world shifts. I'm on the floor of the lake now, and the world around me is a dark green plant colour. I see no animals, no fish..just these plants. It's boring here...and that bothers me. I look up again, and i'm on the shore. Something is wrong here. This is too easy....too simple. This isn't deep enough.
This bothers me more. Am I that afraid of myself that even now, with my doors opened, I feel unsatisfied by where i was? Do I need to go deep again? It was like a drug, but no, I can't risk that, NO WAY.
I can't do this... I have to get out of here. Maybe I'll come back again, Beautiful Reader. Maybe not. There's so much going on in my heart and my head that my soul is confused and torn. I need to think. . .
Maybe next time...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Inner Flint
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is truly shut out the world.
I'm lucky because it's been easy for me for quite a while...others...not so much. I recently realized this.
Sometimes I wish I could build a shield like mine around the people I care for. I wish they had an escape as amazing as mine is...but no... they have to swim in their emotions, drown in their fears, sorrows, angers...loneliness. I wish I could help. I wish I could hold out a helping hand, drag them from the deluge and let them rest, but no....They're trapped...
I feel the pain of other people sometimes. I sit there, i listen to a song...and then it floods in. Someone I care for is sad right now. Someone else is frustrated, angry at a situation they can't fix. Someone is alone, wanting to cry for lack of love. Why can't I put a face to a feeling? I want to help...don't you hear me? Don't you see me? Don't you feel my soul reaching to try and heal?
I've been damaged for a while, myself...but I quickly learned that no one can help you heal but you. As much as I want to protect and soothe the people I care for, I know that they're as alone as I am. I like it, though; I'm not sure if they do.
The music inundates my soul now. Maybe it's time that i captivate the sounds. I tried to see it yesterday, and I did.... today i see my feelings again. Glowing tendrils of turquoise seep from my soul, dissipating into the intoxicating smoke around my head and letting me fade into this world of mine where no one else can interrupt me... run away, run away....
Is it my intuition that plunges me into the music? Do I simply feel the emotions meant to be displayed in the music, or are they my own? What an amazing world i've found now. Empty ground, shiny like flint stone, with pools of water. All around me is mist, a pulsating mass of wispy voices. I can hear rain, but it sounds as if it is singing, like a panflute...everytime the raindrops come near me, they slow down, and i can hear the sound it makes, like blowing across the top of a bottle or running a wet finger around the rim of a crystal glass..
No, the world changes now. The wisps form together in a torrential, powerful mass of music. I hear a violin type of sound in the center, fast, intricate, winding up until finally it bursts, and the mist falls, like water over dry ice. Left in its wake is a person, made of the same flint of the ground ..silveresque,black, deep blues... all glinting off his shoulders and body. There's no face but I feel like i know who he is. He looks to me, i know it. There's no one else there but us two. Slowly he walks towards me, his feet never separating from the ground around us, barely rippling the small pools of water as he practically glides towards me. I want to ask him who he is, because I know I know him. I think he smiles slightly, a little amused... maybe he thinks I should know already.
Blink.
He's gone. I'm alone, sitting here under the table in the classroom in my house, my headphones in my ears and the lights off. I feel longing. I want to go back but I've never been able to go back to the same world in my mind. This constant flux comforted me till now, this lack of commitment to any sort of singular world. Less of a chance to screw up. Less of a chance to miss anyone... I miss this person, and I don't know why. This man of Flint. Who is he?
This is strange for me. For the first time I don't want to keep running away. I want to stay in that world and find out who that person is, because for the first time there's a person in my hidden world. Can I? Who is it that found their way into my soul, into my hidden world? Who are you? Where are you? Will I know when I see you?
I'm lost now, Beautiful Reader. I think now is the time to stop my introspection before I reach somewhere too deep and see something I don't like.
Songs listened to during this typing:
IIO - Runaway
The Glitch Mob - Warrior Concerto
I'm lucky because it's been easy for me for quite a while...others...not so much. I recently realized this.
Sometimes I wish I could build a shield like mine around the people I care for. I wish they had an escape as amazing as mine is...but no... they have to swim in their emotions, drown in their fears, sorrows, angers...loneliness. I wish I could help. I wish I could hold out a helping hand, drag them from the deluge and let them rest, but no....They're trapped...
I feel the pain of other people sometimes. I sit there, i listen to a song...and then it floods in. Someone I care for is sad right now. Someone else is frustrated, angry at a situation they can't fix. Someone is alone, wanting to cry for lack of love. Why can't I put a face to a feeling? I want to help...don't you hear me? Don't you see me? Don't you feel my soul reaching to try and heal?
I've been damaged for a while, myself...but I quickly learned that no one can help you heal but you. As much as I want to protect and soothe the people I care for, I know that they're as alone as I am. I like it, though; I'm not sure if they do.
The music inundates my soul now. Maybe it's time that i captivate the sounds. I tried to see it yesterday, and I did.... today i see my feelings again. Glowing tendrils of turquoise seep from my soul, dissipating into the intoxicating smoke around my head and letting me fade into this world of mine where no one else can interrupt me... run away, run away....
Is it my intuition that plunges me into the music? Do I simply feel the emotions meant to be displayed in the music, or are they my own? What an amazing world i've found now. Empty ground, shiny like flint stone, with pools of water. All around me is mist, a pulsating mass of wispy voices. I can hear rain, but it sounds as if it is singing, like a panflute...everytime the raindrops come near me, they slow down, and i can hear the sound it makes, like blowing across the top of a bottle or running a wet finger around the rim of a crystal glass..
No, the world changes now. The wisps form together in a torrential, powerful mass of music. I hear a violin type of sound in the center, fast, intricate, winding up until finally it bursts, and the mist falls, like water over dry ice. Left in its wake is a person, made of the same flint of the ground ..silveresque,black, deep blues... all glinting off his shoulders and body. There's no face but I feel like i know who he is. He looks to me, i know it. There's no one else there but us two. Slowly he walks towards me, his feet never separating from the ground around us, barely rippling the small pools of water as he practically glides towards me. I want to ask him who he is, because I know I know him. I think he smiles slightly, a little amused... maybe he thinks I should know already.
Blink.
He's gone. I'm alone, sitting here under the table in the classroom in my house, my headphones in my ears and the lights off. I feel longing. I want to go back but I've never been able to go back to the same world in my mind. This constant flux comforted me till now, this lack of commitment to any sort of singular world. Less of a chance to screw up. Less of a chance to miss anyone... I miss this person, and I don't know why. This man of Flint. Who is he?
This is strange for me. For the first time I don't want to keep running away. I want to stay in that world and find out who that person is, because for the first time there's a person in my hidden world. Can I? Who is it that found their way into my soul, into my hidden world? Who are you? Where are you? Will I know when I see you?
I'm lost now, Beautiful Reader. I think now is the time to stop my introspection before I reach somewhere too deep and see something I don't like.
Songs listened to during this typing:
IIO - Runaway
The Glitch Mob - Warrior Concerto
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