Sometimes to know where you're going, you have to know where you are.
You can see where you've been, and you know where you want to go, but
where are you, now, in this very moment? Are you somewhere bad, hoping
for a better day? Are you somewhere good, afraid of the imminent crash
into the bad? Or are you apathetic, stagnant and just praying for
something exciting to come along?
My eyes flutter
closed, more due to the slight intoxication twisting in with my already
tired mind and body, and I try to see with my minds eye where I am.
All
my soul wants is peace, for peace is all that will welcome rest, and
rest is all that's going to get me going tomorrow. My mind is clouded,
and all I can see is the gray mist that surrounds me, cold and muffled,
as I stand in the ashes. I kneel, knowing inherently that my little bud
is still there. It's grown, I see. Soft, white petals gently sway open
in the moonlight as the mist just around me clears. I gently lean down
and kiss the petals, giving them what life I can muster within me, which
isn't much, but it's enough. The gentle plant begins to grow taller, a
soft, white glow where my lips touched it pulsing and coursing through
the rest of the plant, like morphine through veins.
The
plant is now taller than me, and the petals are each as big as my
torso. I can see the moonlight glowing through them, absorbed and stored
in those pale petals as the plant seems to sing, a solitary, mysterious
voice in the quiet of the night, emanating from the very velvet of the
white glow. I reach up slowly, running a single gentle finger over the
underside of the plant. Where did you come from, companion? What do you
feel? I sit gently in the soft, silken ash and lean my head back against
the soft stem of the plant, feeling it sway slightly under the
unfamiliar weight.
(As I write this, the song that just started is called "A Place in
Heaven" by Thomas Bergersen(Fitting), so if you, Beautiful Reader, would
like to feel as I do, skip at the list of music at the bottom of the
page to that song.)
I look up into the glowing petals, lit
only by the moon of my soft desire, and for just a moment, I wonder if
it came from the garden. I run my hand along the stem, now. It's
surprisingly smooth for it's sturdiness, and it seems to caress my hand,
absorbing what i'm willing to give. In that moment, I know that I will
give everything to help this new world in my mind survive. I will
protect it from the corruption that destroyed its former self....what I
let destroy it. My mind's eye drifts shut, and through the eyelids of my
imagination images of the burning world flit forth of their own
volition. The red anger glowed through the corpses of the life around,
and the trees screamed in pain as they died in agony, the river crying
in pain as it dried up and the bed was burned... I'm okay with this...it
needed to be destroyed. The only way to kill that amount of hidden rot
and disease is to burn it and start anew.
We are
all born with a natural evil, a corruption brought by human nature, but
in our minds, when we go to our true core and not this thing that we
have let grow within us, we can see the purity that we really have. It
is our flaws that make us unique, that make us wonderful, and it is with
those flaws that we create our heaven.
As I drift my
eyes open again to look at my lunar plant, I see the ash begin to move
slowly, and from around me, green bursts forth from the dead grey. Grass
sprouts, flowers bloom, trees wind out of the ground and the moon
begins to glow brighter, bright as the sun until it bursts, and the
white glow spreads like a torrential force across the ground. When it
crosses the green plant, the plant fills with light, breathing in a new
life. I feel the laughter on my lips, the smile crossing my face as the
light runs across my skin, caressing my body, comforting my burning
eyes.
Suddenly, from the ground rises glowing figures.
My friends. My confidants. Those I hurt. Those I loved. They stand
before me, smiling gently, their outlines softly pulsing as they step
forward, taking my hand and leading me forward to the face of the
flourishing mountain. I face the wall, and it begins to morph, moving
gently until an opalescent shift in colours begins to take the shape of a
man. He steps forward, smiling softly, his eyes still featureless, but I
know they are full of caring. (Song shifted to Thomas Bergersen -
Promise) He stands before me, his hand on the sloping face of the rock
as it opens like folds of fabric, and I can hear a soft voice calling to
me within the darkness of the mountain. The scent of fruit and flowers
rides the air, giggling, bubbling with the sound of a distant brook as I
feel peace surround me. The Flint man places a cool hand on my
shoulder, motioning to the world around me, and I look up at him, my
eyes full of excitement. This is new to me. This is all new. I have
never felt like this before. I feel so free, peaceful, and the happiness
that flows through me is no longer tainted by the thoughts of my guilt
in the real world. There is no underlying pain, no dread to go back to
reality, for now I know that reality is just as wonderful as this world.
I look to the flint man, and I smile back at him before I run back into
reality, through the darkness to wake up.
I am falling.
I am floating.
I am laughing.
My
eyes drift open, and once again I sit here in this chair in the
University to which I am a scholar...but this time it's different. What
mattered in my mind matters now in the real world. I feel the same peace
and happiness, and guess what, Beautiful Reader? I'm finally okay with
myself. I'm free. I know that I am far from perfect, but I think i'm
starting to love myself in reality as much as I love who I am in my
mind, that free, flying, floating, glowing woman with a perfect, slender
body and a dress of flowing white. I know i'm not her...but... I know I
can be, and I have the motivation to be her. Beyond that... I know that
I can be her. This is what I've been searching for. I know now that I
can walk forward without fear and I can do what I have been afraid of
failing and I can succeed instead. I can look at the world and walk to
my classes and know that I CAN DO IT. It's difficult and sometimes
overwhelming, but I can do it. I don't have to break. I don't have to
continue to be the failure i've been. I can look at my past, at the
people I trusted that hurt me, at the mistakes i've made that have cost
me my friends, my education, my opportunities... and I can forgive them
and myself and finally let them all go. I don't need to let thoughts of
them plague my mind anymore. It's a bright future now. It's full of
promise and of new experiences. I don't need the baggage. I don't need
the guilt. I can keep going and I don't have to keep them in my life
anymore. I can stand on my own. I can now turn my eyes ahead, and the
people who will come into my life will come, and I will greet them now
with open arms instead of wary stares. I know i'll make more mistakes in
the future, and I know that people will come into my life and, yes,
i'll be a little afraid...but hell... isn't that the point? You have to
decide what is worth the effort of overcoming the fear. You have to
decide who is worth fighting for, who is worth your love and your life.
And you must be unafraid, Beautiful Reader...unafraid to move on if that
person isn't what you need. Unafraid to keep walking if where you are
isn't where you want to be... And you must be unafraid when someone
comes along your path beside you and remains there with you as you walk,
catching you when you stumble, for such is a person worth catching when
they do the same...and isn't that the goal? Isn't that what it's all
about?
Beautiful Reader, this is beauty as I know it. This is life as I know it. This is what I love.
